Could've and Would've: My Little Romance

Good day readers.At this juncture in my life i deem it right to share with you my little life's romance.

The names of those involved are not their real names to safeguard their identity.
Some of you may find me arrogant at some point, but this is how things occurred
and im just sharing them with you. So please be guided accordingly.

It started when i was in my college years, Things were going quite well for me at least, though Medical Technology was not my choice but my parents, but i set my goals to finish it and make it to the licensure examinations, which i am proud to say i passed.

I believe i was in my third year that i decided to shift to nursing, 'cause during those times, there was a great demand for nurses and the media ads for the said course was everywhere t be found, and so i was lured to give it a try. I happen to convince 4 friends to drop our subjects and shift to nursing, but one decided to pursue Medical Technology instead, too bad he dropped his subjects already, sorry dude.

To cut short the story, when i was already taking nursing and was a year into it already just before i go for internship I again reached a junction which i believe is the turning point in my career, I contemplated about it for weeks, balancing things and making sure that my decision would be the best as far as im concerned. And then, just that instant without ever looking back i decided to go back to Medical Technology and so i did.

Sadly, when i got back to my old school to pursue the course i started i knew no one, its like my first day of school, all my friends are in the hospitals for their internships and all my classmates now are all unfamiliar to me. Except for this one girl, let's name her Amie, see Amie and i knew each other from the start of college, we were classmates but were not close, but at this point she is the only person i knew then. We had a great time together for the next two years, and then finally we are about to enter our internship program our last leg of the race for our course. During those 2 years being friends i cant help myself but like her, simply because she is so lovely and all, her smile, smirk, laughter, anger, foolishness and pretty much everything about her. And so came a time when we went to Eastwood to dine and just hang out, enjoy each others company, and as things usually draw to an end we headed home, after i dropped her off her place i went home. My friend and i had on overnight in my place, and we talked, and out of nothing, i just told him "i miss her already", he said " you just arrived and you miss her already"?, and i said "yes". and he arrived to a conclusion that i maybe liking her already, all i had to say was "maybe". I mean what's not to like about her? she's all that and man i'm glad i met her. And so before we ended our talk and finally get to bed i told him to not tell her 'bout the things we talked about, he said yes, let's name him John.

A week passed and i finally decided to tell Amie how i felt, so at lunch time we talked in my car, we were both in front and i find it hard to spill it just that, so she stayed in the passenger seat while i transferred at the rear end of my car. There not having to see her made me stronger at least of telling her how i felt. So i told her 'bout that night when we went out and after that John and I talked about how i feel towards her, silence from her. , so i continued, i told her that i didn't want to lose her as a friend so i suggest we keep it platonic, and how i wish i just told her " i love her" you'll find out why as you further read. And she agreed to keep it that way, treasure the friendship and not risk it for something more like love. And after that scene everything remained the same, we go out together anytime we want, eat, watch movies, and I'm having the best time of my life with her. And then came internship days. Unfortunately we didn't belong in a single group Amie in group 3 and i am in group 2. it means we wont be spending night duties together, that's sad. Anyways, as the program continued, in an unusual way of being acquainted i met a girl, i don't know her personally, lets call her Marian, It was one normal day in the hospital when i threw a joke, and then the others didn't react to it but to my utter surprise, she reacted, and so i felt something, an emotion not to unfamiliar for me, so i thought to myself, "hey, she's cool". And there it began, Marian and I became friends, we talked alot during our shift and we enjoyed each others company.

All things that happened to me I share it with Amie, so she knows how i feel about Marian, and she supports me, she even tells me stuffs about her, that she is kind and all. So, informally i started courting Marian, there was even this one time when I was with Amie and and some friends and we went to Tagaytay to eat and when we went home i passed by a store to buy Marian some food, and on the way to the hospital Amie and i went to starbucks to get Marian some Frap. In the Hospital Amie and I argued whether to give it to her personally or just leave it there with a note indicating who it's for. Then she went inside while i stayed in the car, she texted me that she was nowhere to be found, she hasn't arrived yet. So i went in. Our fellow interns told us that she wont be in for the night, she's with friends playing billiards along Tomas Morato. It's like my world fell, I made all these extra effort to buy her something for the night and then end up in a trash bin, Amie thought otherwise, she left a note, written in a hospital request form saying who its from and for whom it's for. Then we went to the place where her friends told us she was in, but to no avail, she was nowhere in sight, again, double hit... Then Amie texted her best friend telling them that they can eat the food we brought, but unexpectedly he responded " what will we eat? she's eating them now.". I was appalled by the text we received. "She's eating it" wow.. i felt like i was informally allowed to court her.

Time passed, when to my knowledge appeared that im not the only one courting her, there were 3 of us, and i thought what are my chances? im against two other guys, but i didn't give up, it was this one time when Marian was with the 3rd guy together with her best friend and his bestfriend's boyfriend in Tagaytay eating, I was on the other hand in Eastwood with friends texting her, and she told me that she's having a hard time choosing who to grant that magical word "yes" to. I only said " You are in front of the cashier with a food in mind, and you keep coming back to that place for the food, but you opted to choose another, but after sometime thinking if you would try the other food or not, then you decided to stick with what you want, but when you finally ordered the food, its no longer available, others already had it, and you are left with no choice but to order another". Then, we stopped texting for that night.

On the last day of our first- in at East Avenue Medical Center Marian and i never talked. I wanted to approach her but time does not allow, i wanted to ask things, confirm things, but it all went down the drain. I watched her walk away from the window of the information booth of the Laboratory. My world fell apart, i lost it, shes gone.

I was with Amie the whole time things are occurring before my eyes, when she told me, "once you become her boyfriend, I'll keep my distance". I asked why?, she replied a simple "nothing".

May 9, 2006. after watching Amie walk away, my friends and i went to Starbucks, there i was melancholic, not my usual self who is jolly and full of life. I decided, i wont let this day pass without knowing the real score. Amie and I talked thru phone, and that time i was in a trance. Its like things are starting to come to place for me. She said "yes". That was a happy day for me... And it was until something after that happened....



2nd part...

After May 9, when Marian and I were officially together, the next day after that we were in school for the briefing on our 2nd in. That day Amie started to keep her distance from me, then i remembered when she said that she'll keep her distance once Marian and I are together. But i find it unfair, right? maybe to others what she did was right, but as for me, i don't find anything wrong if we remained friends, and so that night, i texted her and asked her to come by my place if she had time, she did. That time im with my friend at home. The moment she entered the room something doesn't add up
i sensed something was wrong, she was teary-eyed when she said "im happy for you", i felt her sincerity when she said those words, but something in her eyes told me otherwise. So, i said lets go outside in the terrace and puff some cigar and talk about it, when the 3 of us were all sitting together, I'm in the middle, Amie and I started to talk about it. when we both felt that we should keep the matter to just between the two of us, Amie politely asked Louie "Louie, pwede?", without any words he gestured in, leaving the two of us alone and talking.
Tears started to fall from Amie's eyes that time. She told me that she fell for me, not that shes mad that Marian and i are together, but she added that even before, during our college years, she would do things she thinks i would notice, like the kind of perfume i want in a girl, the scent of melon, she also wears them, things like that. At that point, we talked about the pact we made that we would remain friends, and she said "i just told you that, and now that i did, im over it already". Do women really get over someone that fast? i think so...maybe not, who knows, a woman's heart is like a deep well, you cant find what you're looking from above. During those times, i was speechless myself, at times tears were also building up in the corner of my eyes now, we fell silent..
individually thinking, grasping, and digesting what's in front of us now. the could have beens? might have beens? re starting to follow. But, its a bit late, Marian and I are together now, had she told that to me before the 9TH, things might have changed, not now, not soon. We concluded the night and got on with our lives.
Time passed when i noticed things about my girlfriend, how to my knowledge seemed unusual. She was quite different when i was still courting her than now that we are together, before, she's "masungit", she answers back, she speaks her mind, she is her own self. But now, im noticing that she is the opposite, she always says "yes" never answers back, she doesn't speak her mind anymore, see, im the kind of person who, when i liked a person, i take her for who she is, entirely, otherwise i wont pursue the courtship. You dont have to put up another person when you are being pursued, and when together, change into something completey unfamiliar. It's like showing me a picture of a chicken for lunch but instead serving me fish.
At that point, i started thinking about Amie, that before i told myself and Louie,"nothing's changed, I love Marian". And i did. But something happened to me that started to stir my life a bit, or a bit more. I started going out again with Amie, sometime with Marian's knowledge, sometimes without her knowing.
As time overtook things, I started acting cold towards Marian, i cant break up with her, she's so kind, so sweet, so caring girl I've ever met, i just can't find it within me to break her heart up, so i thought, I'll let her do it. And eventually time came when she broke up with me, i said nothing, its like accepting it totally, without even asking her why?, or give me a second chance.
For me, that was my cue, my chance however unjust finally came my way, at least i thought. I waited for a week, thinking that it would cool things down a bit, and when i thought the timing is impeccable, i contacted Amie, but in a way destiny plays its game on people's lives, she's taken, Amie has someone now. I'm late, now, im left with no one. Everything spiraled out of proportion for me.


Im in deep emotional distress during that time. I lost the girl i Loved, and now I finally lost the girl I love. I cried to myself from time to time, trying to fathom the things that are now starting to appear before me. Thinking if its fair to get back with Marian?. Or go on. I can't.
One night, i texted Amie, to my surprise Rex responded telling me "anu bang kailangan mo kay Amie? wag mo na siyang guluhin". Before i noticed it, i was staring at that message for some time. She's gone now. She's with another man. How i wish i am that man.

Months passed, no communication with Amie, when one night, i received a text from her asking if i am available to have a coffee, without thinking, i said yes. We went to Starbucks, Corinthian hills for the night. We were with a friend, Alexia. I remember it clearly to these days, i cried that time while we were talking. I told her everything i wanted to. Emotions start to take over that evening, things that were and things that are, were on the table now. The night had to end. and it did. Still, im left alone.


There was this time, when Amie and I together with Alexia was in her place and Alexia joked, "basta para sakin, kayo parin", I picked up that line and said "sige dont worry, after two months i'll break up with Marian then tayo na". That happened when Marian and I were still together, duting those times when Amie and i still go out, and now, they're all coming back, that conversation that transpired that should never go out and was a joke in the first place crawled back at me, everything was fine between me and Marian until it came to her knowledge that joke i did. I talked to Amie about that, and reiterated that i just picked-up a line, and it was after all, a joke. She told me she shared the story with her friend, Tim. Tim was the one who told Marian, since Marian and Tim are close friends, now, what was supposed to be stable friendship between me and Marian started to taste sour again. For some time Amie and I didn't talk at all.
I cant take it anymore, i don't want to leave an impression that i am flirting with another woman while in a relationship, but with how things happen, its starting to be realized.

During these times, i am getting over with Amie, for months she wont talk to me, then out of nothing she would text me to go out, and then wont talk to me again, and it just loops around like a wheel, for two years, Ive been getting over Amie. But i cant, I'm still hoping that the wind would be on my side, we have meals together, watch movies together, go out of towns together. Then there was this time, when Amie, together with friends, we went to Tagaytay, to eat. Before waiting for the food to be served, there were fireworks the lit up the vast dark skies above us,
the group watched in awe and glee, seeing all those lights brighten up the black-dead skies. There she was, watching, i stood behind her, at first she wasn't leaning on me, then eventually she did. My arms are on her waist while we were watching. That time, I felt happiest. I mean, what was that? it's like a dream come true, the fireworks, the cool breeze, the woman in front of me, its like a perfect moment. I didn't want it to end, but we had to get going, while on the car, Amie wanted to sleep, and so i offered my shoulders, my left hand was clasping her right hand while her head were on my shoulders, and from time to time, her left hand would rub my left arm gently, and then abruptly, then again, in the same manner of fashion, and i thought, what was that? why rub it that way? i just left it alone, just treasuring the moment with her.
The following day, while we were having coffee at Mocha Blends, i cant help myself but ask her what that gesture was for? at first, she declined to answer, then i asked "may iba ka bang naramdaman nun?", she was silent, but a bully such as me, she finally said it, " napaisip lang", then i asked "napaisip ng alin?, kung naging tayo?, she said "oo, un lng, napaisip lng". then i said, "alam ko na yun.. just wanted to ask you and confirm it". She told me "putang ina mo, alam mo naman na pala eh, tinatanung mo pa, ego mo nanaman".
Those vulgar words are nothing serious, we do it all the time, its just out way of epressing emotions to the extremes.

Things were like that for quite sometime, when again she went silent again, this time for good. I received an email from her telling me that since everything was ok between us, it would be best that we don't talk anymore, she had a big fight with her boyfriend which opted her to choose not to talk to me anymore.

My world sank while reading it. Now, its over, no other recourse but to move on, consider this event in my life as something to learn from, never to do it again. I tried moving on, but i cant.
She was everywhere, my dreams, my thoughts, how can i move on? she ended our friendship just like that, just like that. I asked Alexia to kindly convey to her my desires of talking to her and just end things up formally, but to no avail, she resisted.
I cried to myself often, while drying to drowse myself with beer just to sleep and not think of her, but its just hard, so hard. I still tried to talk to her by means of Alexia but again. Nothing, alexia would even tell me that sometimes when they talk, they talk about me, that Amie "fondly talks of you", that im a good friend. I just say " yeah, she fondly talks of me but never talks to me".
After years, trying to get over her, i finally came to my senses, i did what i knew best to win her back, to show her that i love her, but i guess, this is how things should be, this is what we could ever be, not even friends.
I guess, this year i can finally let go, shes married. and i wish her all joy and luck. like she always tell me before "let's just meet in the afterlife".

THIS BLOG WAS NOT WRITTEN TO CAUSE TROUBLE, I DECIDED TO WRITE THIS BLOG TO SHARE IT WITH PEOPLE, I TOOK CAREFUL CONSIDERATIONS AS TO PUTTING THINGS IN WORDS SO AS NOT TO COMPROMISE THE PERSONALITIES INCLUDED IN THE STORY,
SOME PARTS OF THE STORY WERE NOT WRITTEN, AGAIN AS A CONSIDERATION TO PEOPLE INVOLVED. I FIND IT APT THAT I WRITE MY STORY FOR A SIMPLE REASON THAT I FINALLY AM OVER, AND NOW READY TO TALK ABOUT IT.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND GOD BLESS.